Mr. Know All
He’s the most interesting as well as intriguing creature of this place
FREEZE FRAME BY SYEDA AFSHANA
Pessimist; cynic; wise-crack; pedantic; pugnacious—all packed into one. Let’s call him ‘XLR’—no connotations, mind you! And you may replace that by ALR, BLR etc., of course, with the exception of SLR. For it may hurt him as also others who drink, eat, sleep and ease-out in the shade of SLRs.
Well, what is so special about this XLR that prompted me to pen down these words. Beginning with physical features, XLR has a round face, medium height and built, grey hair (occasionally dyed), keen sight and hearing, even though his age demands him to be rather senile. XLR’s face presents an academic look with clear signs of having been a ‘struggling person’, a fighter during his youth.
XLR’s demeanor is marked by his grumbling and groaning all the time. Not that he hasn’t achieved anything, but over a period of time he has developed ‘the trait of being a man’. He thinks, but in a perverted manner; talks, but in a contemptuous way; observes, but only the negative aspect of things; and—works, only to show his indispensability. XLR has the nagging habit of projecting himself as a Mr. Know-All. If only it could be so however!
XLR is not a jovial personality but loves to dish out double meaning statements, sugar coated abuses and deprecating remarks in presence of his colleagues. For he thinks that he is the most grandiloquent person around his workplace. Lastly, XLR is a bore of first rate, and he will never leave you unless he has narrated half a dozen anecdotes with the use of refined intermittent invectives that serve as incipients and preservatives in a tale full of concoctions, false conclusions and pejorative inferences about people, places and men of reckoning. XLR likes to talk about his version of tantra, mantra and worn out parampara only to keep his talking yantra (mouth) in good shape.
Who says XLR has no high contacts. He brags of being a so-called CBC (Cosmopolitan By Chance) because having migrated from his native place, he resides on the other side of Pir-Panjal pass, has progeny seeking education beyond Vindhyas on one side and Hindukush on the other. Thanks to XLR’s sympathizers in the Saffron brigade, quotas within quotas and subcategories within categories have been arranged for his off springs. And why not, the children of XLR are not, only born but have been borne to rule all the time, everywhere. The meek, submissive and humble XLR of yesteryears has gone beyond all limits to show his Nietzscheian prowess. A bang-up job, he has full time at his native place and to rob the coffers of State in the name of ‘relief’, he moves to the other side of the tunnel every now and then.
Politically his brain is a live wire of ‘fascism’ a la Punit Issar of Hindustani fame. Undoubtedly, given a chance XLR will never budge an inch to practise the ideals of Chengaiz Khan and Halaku to achieve his utopian ideal—a virtual heaven much like the Jannat-of-Shadaad, with some modern additions such as combatant security bandobast.
To boot, XLR has time and again given the proof of being a first-hand patriot which many a time borders upon foolhardiness, much like the Danny Dengzongpa showing his shenanigans in Ajnabi. Of late, his progeny has started cooking “creative narratives” to sell their tale of prejudice, and project themselves as “only victims”. And then, there are so many takers for victimhood stories by non-residents of this place!
Hey, hold it, hold it! Who is this XLR, by the way? Well, don’t panic. This is not fantasy and neither am I talking about any garbage bag. Actually, XLR is you know who. He can be anybody’s erstwhile neighbour or a boyhood chum or else the much revered pedagogue—all of whom managed that Great Escape from the ‘disputed territory’ which they think is worse than an Alkatrass Prison. No matter XLR keeps on shuttling to see the plight of its inmates and also to collect his monthly packet. He has somehow been successful to turn this Alkatrass into a virtual Dubai for himself.
XLR is not a new man. He may have changed his habits partially to suit the moods, tantrums and histrionics of his sugar daddies and godfathers in polity, bureaucracy and power corridors, however it goes without saying that XLR was and is an, opportunist to the hilt, a chameleon that has put to shame all and sundry of his community. He knows no morals, ethics or principles. He wants to excel everywhere all the time, come what the cost. Perhaps that is why he is called “Exceller”.
That's the bottom line!
(The author teaches at Media Education Research Centre, MERC, University of Kashmir)
Lastupdate on : Sat, 12 Feb 2011 21:30:00 Makkah time
Lastupdate on : Sat, 12 Feb 2011 18:30:00 GMT
Lastupdate on : Sun, 13 Feb 2011 00:00:00 IST
- MORE FROM SUNDAY SPECIAL
He is innocent, say family members
Srinagar, Feb 12: Family members of 18-year old Omar Hameed Hanga, booked under Public Safety Act (PSA) 15-days ago, on Saturday accused police of booking their ward on flimsy charges.   More
- Srinagar City
At 19, when he tried his luck as an amateur at country’s biggest model hunt, many ridiculed him of being a kid who should strive for some ‘child hunt’. But as the fate had it, he emerged as the youngest More
- News in Brief
Srinagar: The Union Minister for New and Renewable Energy and National Conference president Dr Farooq Abdullah on Saturday visited Hazratbal Shrine here and reviewed the arrangements made by the Muslim More
Wood technology diploma holders appeal CM
GK NEWS NETWORK
Srinagar, Feb 12: The Wood Technology Engineering Diploma holders today urged the government to change the eligibility criteria for the recently advertised post of assistant handicraft training officer More
United Nations, Feb 12: External Affairs Minister was caught in a public gaffe when he inadvertently read out the speech of the Portuguese Minister at a UN Security Council meeting here but rectified the More