My son has one of these terrible Alaged Phut-phut-motors
Salt N' Pepper
AJAZ A. BABA
Remember that ad on the TV in which the guy who has a morsel of chicken stuck in his teeth carries a cackling hen on his head all day long? Well one of my friends is just like that. Even if a minor issue attaches itself to his mind he carries not only a hen but the whole chicken coop on his head. So there he was on a Sunday morning lapping up what remains of my mind. After humming and hawing for nearly an hour not to say sniffling and blowing his nose and making other noises associated with a cold , he spoke up “Do you know what or who this alleged perpetrator is?” he asked me though I swear, courtesy his stuffy nose, I thought he said: “Alleged Per-Pet-Horror”.
“Alleged Per-Pet-Horror?” I racked my still sleep benumbed mind. “Is that a new Night Shyamalan movie?” I hazarded a guess for I know the fellow to be a movie buff with a fetish for the macabre.
“No! No! It is alleged perpetrator” he spelt it out distinctly this time.
“Well what is it?”
“That is what I have been trying to find out” he responded.
“Well to begin with I looked up this activist’s number in the directory. I called him and asked ‘Sir what is all this about Alleged Perpetrators?’
“‘Alleged Per-pet-rators! Ok! Ok! I get it. It must be the new sterilization machine for dogs, painless and all that.’
“‘No, it is not about a machine...’ I tried to get in a word.
“‘Don’t tell me this is some new organization trying to cash on our poor long suffering dogs. I tell you I am not going to allow anyone to infringe upon our territory’, he growled menacingly.
“‘It is not about dogs but humans sir,” I tried to clarify things.
“‘Humans! Who the hell do you think you are talking to?!”
“‘Why aren’t you a Human Rights activist sir?”
“‘Of course not! What have you taken me for! I am an animal rights activist! How dare you call me! I will set the dogs on you...’ he barked at me and I hurriedly disconnected my phone.
“‘Then I called this Editor of a prominent newspaper. ‘Sir I wanted to inquire about this Alleged Perpetrator thing.’
“‘Well yes,’ he said sleepily, ‘these things sell like hot cakes in this season but you better call our advertisement section.’
“‘Advertisement section? But sir I am talking about Alleged Perpetrators...’ I tried to clarify.
“‘I know it is this latest generator and all that,’ he interrupted me irritably.
“‘No sir, it must be about killings and enforced disappearances and all that... Alleged Perpetrators, sir,’ I persisted.
“‘Hello...Hello...Hello...The reception is so poor...Hello... I can’t hear a thing of what you are saying...Hello...Hello...HELL-O...’ he shouted and the connection broke. I tried to call him again several times but his phone remained ‘busy’ or ‘out of reach’.
“Then I called Leaderji. ‘Sir, do you know anything about this Alleged Perpetrator thing. They say people have got killed and things like that.’ I added so as to avoid any confusion.
“‘Ah! These Alaged Phut-phut-motors! Indeed so many people have died because of these.” Leaderji clicked his tongue.
“I was overjoyed as it seemed that this time I was bang on target. Then Leaderji spoke up again dashing my hope to pieces. “My son has one of these terrible Alaged Phut-phut-motors. He is a stunt biker you see! I keep telling him that these things are dangerous and that one of these days he will get himself killed but these youngsters! They are the worst lot I tell you. Like the other day I saw my youngest son smoking. He is just 12! Imagine! I gave him such a thrashing. And then his mother gave me a thrashing...I tell you it is these mothers who spoil their kids...’
“I did not want to know any further details of the Hon’ble Leaderji’s domestic scene so I interrupted him, ‘This is something to do with a recent report about disappearances, killings etc.’
“‘WHAT?!’ Leaderji exploded. “How dare you call me in the middle of night...’
“‘It is 10am in the morning, Sir,’ I said in a small voice.
“‘Now you will tell me what hour of the day it is! I will have the police after you! POLICE! SECURITY...”
“I hurriedly disconnected my phone, switched it off, broke the SIM into a million pieces and burned the phone!” My friend concluded his tale still trembling at the recollection.
“Well I think you should forget about this Alleged Perpetrator thing. Maybe there is nothing like that.” I suggested.
“Maybe! Maybe this table here does not exist! Maybe I don’t exist! Maybe you don’t exist!” he went into hysterics and all for nothing! Or maybe there really is something like that out there?!
(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at firstname.lastname@example.org)
Lastupdate on : Sat, 22 Dec 2012 21:30:00 Makkah time
Lastupdate on : Sat, 22 Dec 2012 18:30:00 GMT
Lastupdate on : Sun, 23 Dec 2012 00:00:00 IST
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