Give in or give up

After all I am their child, how can I leave them?

DILEMMA

NADIA ISHFAQ NAHVI

Sometimes I wish to run away, as I cannot stand ridicule. Sometimes I want to kill myself because I never come up to anybody’s expectations. Sometimes I desire everything the way I crave for. Sometimes I question “why am I so bad?.” Sometimes I fear, sometimes I cry, and I hide my tears, as they will not speak up.
Sometimes I wish to pack my bag, smash my phone, leave everybody, never come back, and keep the words unsaid, unspoken - buried deep inside my chest.
It happens often that some things that hit you hard gives a deep wound as well.
But as these thoughts come up to my mind, suddenly from nowhere my mom opens the door, shelves my clothes and leave. Then I realize where was my dirty thinking dragging me - I mean my home is there where my mom is. How can I let my unnatural death to be a murder of my family? My beloved mamma and papa- I cannot dampen their spirits like this.
I am the light of their eyes, a smile on their lips, a cure to their pain, a laughter in their sigh, a helping hand, a living dream, a support for tomorrow, a reason to live- I am their daughter, I am their son. All these divinely aspects to them will be lost within a snap.  Certainly, I bear no right to snatch away these things from them.
So what if sometimes they get angry, they have all the right to scold me or to beat me, why would not they, they want to mould me for better.  So what they see themselves in me, I am theirs. They will not expect anything from their friend’s child; they will not consider their neighbors children as their possession. It is me and my being that belongs to them not anybody else’s.
How can I be selfish enough contemplating to run away. I am not that mean at least. How can I be so coward to run away from my troubles and leave my mom holding a photo frame and searching for me in every nook and corner. Not at all, how can I let my father’s strong shoulders- which carried me on them droop down under the burden of any one of my silly mistakes. If I made it to now I can even make it to the then as well.
No way, not at all. I cannot be the reason; I do not want to be the cause for the gloom because of such childish things. And even if suppose I try to harm myself which is strictly forbidden by Allah, my soul will be killed a hundred times before the last day and it will keep asking itself was that step really a necessity, did it solve the problems. The pain gifted to my family instead will be too little when compared to harm that I will be inflict unto me myself.
We grumble that our parents do not understand us, but we forget the time when were all hungry and how our mom fed us, when we felt the cold our dad would grab us into  his own pheran. All these things happened silently.
It takes a little time for beautiful things to happen just wait for the right moment. Grow up and stop to whine off and on, you can make a move then and try to understand them if you feel you are being misunderstood.
Lastly, do not be a murderer of killing your parent-child relationship. Love your dad- your hero; love your mom- your sweetheart, and you will have an awesome life ahead Insha Allah.

(Feedback at nahvinadia@gmail.com)

Lastupdate on : Mon, 3 Dec 2012 21:30:00 Makkah time
Lastupdate on : Mon, 3 Dec 2012 18:30:00 GMT
Lastupdate on : Tue, 4 Dec 2012 00:00:00 IST




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