Any time we sense irritation, frustration or anger, if we take a close look, we notice we fight a war within. The enemy is one of these: another person, past, or our own self.
We are at war with the past because our anger is always towards something that has already happened and looking at it we react emotionally which means we are trying to change it, which is impossible. Any scene that has taken place a year ago, a month ago or even a second ago cannot be changed. We may be completely convinced and we may believe we can. That's because we hold this belief subconsciously. Somewhere and sometime in the past, we have picked up and absorbed the belief that the world and its circumstances should shape up exactly as we want.
When our internal desire about a certain type of circumstance is not fulfilled, or in other words something against this belief happens, our instant reaction is one of the various forms of anger; and we tend to try and change the incident that has happened in a far-off past or a past that has just gone by. We keep replaying a revised incident, with words and actions that we would have liked and that suit us and we also keep nullifying the actual incident or remain in a un-acceptance mode towards it. This is like fighting a war with the incident. We tend to do this inside our minds, repeatedly, even realizing somewhere deep within, that it is impossible
We are at a subtle war with another person when he/she has done something which we perceive or judge to be wrong and our anger is an attempt to change them or take revenge.
Perhaps we have not yet realized that it is impossible to control others and make them change. The lack of awareness and realization of this truth, which we will definitely realize at some point or the other, doesn't let us become anger-free very easily. People will always make their own decisions and control their own actions. They can definitely be influenced, but they cannot be controlled. When our internal desire of a certain type of behavior from people is not fulfilled, or in other words something against the above belief happens, our instant reaction is one of resentment or irritation or frustration or hatred - all forms of anger.
One of the most important attributes of a great soul is the ability to not have even a trace of desire for revenge and the ability to forgive someone who has supposedly wronged him in anyway.  Don't we all acknowledge that such an individual who has freed himself completely from all anger earns our and everyone else's respect and deepest admiration. So doesn't that mean we intuitively know that this anger is an incorrect emotion and peace, good wishes and forgiveness are the correct ones, in harmony with the basic nature of the human spirit?
We are at war with our self when we fail to make the world do exactly what we want, or we believe we have let our self down. Suppose you are standing in a queue waiting for your turn, only to discover an hour later, just when your chance was about to come, that it was time for the counter to close. You get upset, but with whom? Perhaps the person at the counter at first and may be with the other people in the queue and then with yourself.
There are two failures that make you uneasy here. First you failed to ask someone early enough, which would have saved you the loss of time. Second, you failed to control your emotions. Although you might not externally admit that you failed, inside you know. Because of these two failures, you then start to get angry with yourself. The thought pattern that goes inside your mind: to fail is to lose, to lose is to be sorrowful, to be sorrowful causes me to become angry, as you look for an external cause of your sadness which, in this case, is initially the person at the counter and the other people in the queue (who would have known the time of closing and could have told you). So you demonstrate to others your justified anger towards them. But deep inside you know it is you yourself that has made you sorrowful.
As the anger builds up inside you, again, after a while, you find someone else outside on whom you vent out your anger. You seem to feel better as a result, but it's only temporary. The next time you become angry; interrupt the pattern of your anger by asking yourself two simple questions: Who are you fighting with? Answer: Yourself.  Who is suffering the most due to the war? Answer: Yourself. And if your anger is directed at yourself for your own supposed failure then just tell yourself, "There is no such thing as failure, only a different result from the one that I expected."

Dr. Arif Maghribi is a senior doctor at Kashmir life line Toll free number=18004202020 for people in Depression, Anxiety, Drug-abuse and Stress. Feedback at arifmaghribi@yahoo.com

Lastupdate on : Thu, 3 May 2012 21:30:00 Makkah time
Lastupdate on : Thu, 3 May 2012 18:30:00 GMT
Lastupdate on : Fri, 4 May 2012 00:00:00 IST