So badly she wants the time to rewind, to go back to the day she allowed her son to go out to Fruit Mandi Bemina only to return lifeless a few days later.
Her grief of losing her younger son, Hilal Ahmad Parray (27), has deeply shocked 60-year old Jana Begum living in Tengpora Batamaloo here.
On July 16, Hilal succumbed to his injuries at SK Institute of Medical Sciences after six days of struggle for life.
Hilal, who was running a provisional store, according to his family members was ruthlessly beaten by CRPF troops near JK Police Public School Bemina during the morning hours of July 10 when he was on way to Fruit Mandi Bemina.
"He left for Fruit Mandi Bemina to get some stock for his shop but was beaten on way. I curse myself for allowing him to move out," says Jana Begum. "He convinced me saying that situation was normal outside. Forces killed my son despite his non-involvement in stone pelting."
She recounts the moments when Hilal had his morning tea on July 10. "Before leaving for Fruit Mandi Hilal attended a few customers at his shop and also handed over a chicken with some onions and asked me to go inside. I went inside, least knowing that it was my last conversation with my son," said Jana Begum.
Besides the irreparable loss, what pains the family is the "inhumane" behavior of JK Police who, according to them, refuse to register FIR in the case.
"We approached the concerned police station with the request to register an FIR in the case but they denied. The government declared my brother's death as a road accident, which is not true," said Mehraju-ud-Din Parray, elder brother of the deceased.
"The two-wheeler he was riding has got minor scratches which contradicts police claim that my brother died in road accident."
Parray said his brother was stopped by CRPF personnel near JK Police Public School and was hit in his head. "We came to know about this four days after the incident happened. People from Nundrish Colony came to our place to inquire about the person who according them was beaten by paramilitary troops," he said. "It confirmed to us that my brother died because of CRPF beating."
Parray said his brother was shifted to SKIMS Medical College Bemina by some unknown people wherein the doctors treated the case as a road accident. "We don't know who these people were who took my brother to hospital."
According to family members, Hilal was shifted to SKIMS Soura on the same day where MRI reports revealed involvement of his liver, kidney and other body parts. "Even doctors at SKIMS Soura were confused given the level of injuries. They also couldn't believe that it was a road accident," said Mehraj-Ud-din Parray.
"On Thursday, a day before my brother breathed last, I approached police station Batamaloo and urged them to register FIR but they refused," Mehraj-ud-din said.
He alleged that top officers of police had asked the SHO not to register FIR to avoid law and order situation in the area as another youth was already killed by police in the area.
"The day my brother was beaten by CRPF troops, SHO Batamaloo called me and inquired about the incident. But later he refused to register FIR."
"We have approached judiciary to complain against the police authorities. They told us to produce some witnesses in our support."
"SHO Batamaloo didn't agree to register FIR but tried to convince me on the deal that he will shift my brother outside the state and bear all the expenses of his treatment. I refused as my brother, who succumbed the next day, was on ventilator at SKIMS."
The family members said they will fight for justice.