Appearas you are, be as you appear
Be aperson of faith, of integrity, and of sincerity.
Youwere born with potential.
Youwere born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and
dreams.You were born with greatness.
Youwere born with wings.
Youare not meant for crawling, so don’t.
Youhave wings.
Learnto use them and fly.
Rumi
Theurge to help others is commendable and the sign of a good heart but there areboundaries that we must respect in ourselves. If the time and energy you spendon saving or helping someone else begins to chip away at your own mental healthor happiness, you may be slipping into the realm of animosity. In the past, Ifound it hard to say no and wouldcompromise my
ownlevels of emotional comfort just to keep the peace. But I’ve come to aconclusion that we can never be peaceful until we make peace with ourselves.This article is written to help youdefend yourself from people who exploit you. It is not written in an effort toencourage you to be
closedoff to kindness. It hopes to encouraging people to commit acts of commondecency without feeling vulnerable.
Hereare the signs that you’re being too nice.
Notsaying No when you should’ve.
Handlingyour storms by yourselves.
Avoidingconflicts that can be sparked with the truth.
Helpingothers to rise on the top.
Lookingothers benefiting from you while you’re no further ahead in your life.
Feelingisolated and alone.
Nobodyhas any idea about how you’re feeling.
Somepeople subscribe to you when they are in need of a particular thing. You putyour trust in their act of being a victim, vulnerable, or dependable. But byexploiting favors, they serve to rob your desire to do good things for othersdown the line.
ThenWhy do we do this?
Weoften do a lot for other people because we don’t want to let them down evenwhen we know that their demands are excessive. Sometimes we do more for otherpeople and often let ourselves be used so that we won’t be rejected for otherreasons.
•Insecurity
•Lessself-awareness.
•Thinkingit is our Islamic duty to put others first.
Relax,letme unpack this with an example so you can decide it for yourself. If you spent four hours helping your classmate for her assignment and then spent one hour complaining about it to your bestfriend, then sadly you’re just inviting negativity in your life and you need tochange for good. Now ask yourself,why do you do the things that you do? Doesyour heart and mouth say the same thing? We do this to save relationships, avoidconflicts and all negative emotions, but no matter what toxicity will grow inside us and this will eventually lead to either burst out atsome point or we will fall into depression.
I amnot saying that helping others is wrong. Indeed we are told: “Whoever fulfilledthe needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought othersout of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day ofResurrection. But when kindness comes from a place of uneasiness then it’s nottrue kindness and you’ll always sense it. You have to remember to nurture yoursoul through engaging in true acts of kindness that come from a place of loveand pathos.
Iknow you’re tired but come, this is the way. Self-knowledge is the beginning ofself-correction.
Surroundyourself with the thoughts of faith and not fear. Take a moment before saying’sure’. If you have time and genuinely want help then go ahead. If not then don’t be scared tosay no, otherwise people will think its easy for you and they’ll keep on asking for more.
Behonest with the people around you so that they know where you stand and
whatyou feel. You cannot help everyone around you and when you try and inevitably
fail,you will only blame yourself. Keep onreminding yourself that you’re unavailable for anything that is toxic for you.
Morethan anything remember there is a difference between being kind and giving toomuch to the point that people start taking advantage of you. Be kind and give,but don’t ignore your well being too. That’s called keeping law of balance.Youshould never feel guilty for changing for the better and knowing your worth.When you have this awareness you’ll be able to draw some strong boundaries thatwill never be crossed.
Theauthor is a student of Literature at Cluster University Srinagar.