Do you often start shouting when words alone cannot convey your feelings? Do you ever intentionally break things to express your anger? Do you often lose relationships and other opportunities because of your unmanageable anger? Do you feel your blood pressure rising when your expectations aren’t met? Has anyone ever gotten beaten up by you as a result of your frustration? Do disappointments stack up until it affects your overall health?
If the answer to these questions is yes, you may want to pay attention to your anger and how it may be harming you.
Anger is a natural response, and like other emotions, it has both advantages and disadvantages. While most of us may have only seen and observed its negative impact, anger can also be a positive force of change, if utilised properly. It can be driving force to act on things that you want to change.
Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure and hostility. It can surface as a result of a real or perceived threat, resentment, or frustration for not having our needs or expectations met. People can also resort to anger in order to conceal their vulnerable or insecure emotional states like hurt, shame, jealousy, sadness, and disappointment.
A common way in which people react with anger is by lashing out on other people and things as a result of the strong emotions inside. This can include but isn’t limited to: shouting, blaming, breaking things, harming self or others, and other acts of violence which one might regret later on. This outward expression of anger can lead to problems in relationships, career, quality of life, physical and mental health.
Another common response is to suppress anger and compile resentments by not expressing how you feel. This type of response is detrimental because it turns the anger inward and can lead to physical stress on the body which can manifest in clinical symptoms for eg. panic attacks, high blood pressure, maladaptive coping mechanisms like smoking, overeating, and even chronic diseases over time. Denying the feeling of anger in order to maintain peace can also make a person low in self-esteem, anxious and depressed gradually. Being submissive, indifferent and passive towards negative feelings should not be considered a virtue but rather a slow volcano which can damage a person just as much as outward aggression does.
The first step to manage anger is to become aware of it and accept that you’re feeling angry. A common habit people succumb to is to deny that you’re feeling an emotion when in fact you are. Being honest to yourself about your emotions is the first step towards controlling them instead of them controlling you.
Breathe. To address the rise in stress hormones, increased heart rate, blood pressure, tensed muscles and lack of focus when experiencing anger, pay attention to how your body is reacting to the situation, this can help to shift the focus from emotional arousal. Conscious deep breathing in fresh air can help to calm the body.
Take a break. Leave the situation temporarily where your anger gets activated. Heightened arousal in the body can cause an impulsive or aggressive outburst which can cause more harm than good. You can always resume the situation/conversation later after you’ve cooled down.
Do something to take your mind off angry thoughts and feelings. Go out for a walk, take a cold shower or engage in an activity that calms you down. Additionally, a physical activity can release the pent up energy in a constructive way so that you are more relaxed when you go back into the provoking situation.
If suppressive anger is on one end of the spectrum and open/outward anger on another, there also exists a middle path which is called assertive anger. Assertive anger means constructively expressing your emotions and needs in a way that is solution oriented and respectful to everyone involved. Instead of reacting only based on your feelings, this approach also includes thinking rationally and logically before saying/doing anything that will further damage the situation.
There are three Cs in assertive communication:
Confidence – believe that you can handle a situation well, saying exactly what you want but without hurting another person’s feelings. One should also be able to say “No” if one has the habit of pleasing people on the cost of their mental health. Setting healthy emotional boundaries in toxic environments and relationships is also a way to safeguard mental health and avoid anger outbursts.
Clarity – what you want to get conveyed should be clear and precise, it should have emotional and logical reasoning behind it. It involves asking the appropriate questions, listening more carefully and empathetically, and exploring options to resolve the situation.
Controlled – you should be able to deliver your argument calmly and have control over your emotions. Your voice and tone should be relaxed, and your focus should be to effectively communicate and find solutions rather than winning the argument. This is a skill that requires practice and does not happen overnight.
It is important not only to control and channelize anger in a healthy way but also become aware of where it is coming from. Becoming more aware of what triggers you can be helpful. The immediate triggers could be caused by a specific person, situation, place, event, or a combination of these to set you off into aggression.
With some people, the roots of aggression go back to their childhood where they lived and learned anger as a way to cope with difficult feelings and environments. These patterns of behaviour need more attention in which a mental health expert can help you.
If problems still persist in controlling your anger or any other overwhelming emotion, you can reach out to a mental health expert who can help you.
(Mental Health Toll Free Number: 1800 572 0407 )
Nahal is a Psychologist with Doctors Without Borders