The proper characteristic of much of our social interaction, particularly, involving women, continues to be non-negotiable. There are manuals of etiquette to follow viz., the manner of clothing, the pitch of laughter or anger, the code of interaction, the range of engagement, so much so that, there is a predetermined way of loving. And all of which, if gone wrong has the potential to incapacitate the decorum of society. As Erving Goffman aptly describes humans as performers “the merchant of morality.”
The defiance of these social norms comes at a cost. Men, or women (in particular) who violate these customs have to endure isolation, vilification, depression, and many times the extreme consequences are even rape and murder. Furthermore, it needs to be clarified, that these discriminations along moral lines are not only prevalent in conservative cultures, social conventions (may be of a different kind), but are pretty much part of the so-called modern societies.
These institutional discriminations remain invisible even to the most critical of minds, thus pointing towards the existence of a subtle unacknowledged and unanalyzed patriarchy even in the progressive clique. Therefore, in this piece I attempt to bring attention to the implications of holding certain—not so innocent—social biases, and argue that assigning these unstated conventions more weightage than they deserve has real immediate consequences alongside sustaining the whole structure of patriarchy.
Social Decorum and its Fallouts
Women are judged, respected, or desired based on their appearance and etiquettes. Other means of assessing a woman’s extensive worth is based on her social merits (by social merits I mean here, the assets valued by society such as married, educated, and so on). There is the othering of women who do not fit the higher standard of social elegance, besides, cheeky comments, ridicule, or rumors about so call “odd woman” such as divorcee, flamboyant, childless, unmarried, widow, are too common in our society.
Consequently, many women stay on in an abusive marriage, or even end their lives, rather than deal with the pressure of social shaming of being a divorcee. Even in the allegedly liberal or literature circles, unless and until marriage is not physically abusive, there is disapproval for separation due to the general perception that divorce is solely a woman’s loss. In other cases, when a woman is unable to give birth to an heir, she herself approves of her husband’s second marriage, since the childless woman is somehow made to feel guilty for not being able to procreate. The woman often ends up living a life of a drudge without anyone but herself to blame for her misfortunes. Besides, we see common cases where a woman is disowned for life if she chooses to marry outside of her religion, whereas a man is not. On speaking to some of the parents both from Jammu as well as Kashmir who disinherited their daughters for selecting non-Muslim partners, I came to realize that it’s not solely the parent’s personal decision or choice but the fear of social banishment of the family or sometimes such harsh decisions are taken to protect the other women of the family from disgrace. As some of the parents told me that they maintain restricted and undisclosed contact with their socially disowned daughters.
Likewise, if for some reason (death or abandonment) there is no man in a household, the women from such homes become the regular stock of rumors. In one case (from Jammu) I discovered that a family of four females, Misbha (name changed) and her three daughters had to sell their house for an extremely low amount due to regular harassment from their neighbors after the death of her husband. Misbha and her daughters were regularly accused of bringing disgrace to the entire neighborhood and also perceived as a bad model for others in the locality, especially younger girls. The women from the Mohallah (colony) accused them of entertaining men for drinking alcohol in their house whereas the men were bothered with the acquaintance of Misbha’s daughters with other younger women from the locality. Consequently, when Misbha was forced to sell her house by her husband’s male cousin under distress nobody from the neighborhood objected or came to her aid—for even today after so much talk about woman emancipation only the morally right ones are deemed qualified for justice.
I often notice that women (in particular) are quicker to condemn and pass judgment on other women, typically to elevate their own social standing. In our routine living room conversation, some women proudly brag about being more obedient to their in-laws and dedicated towards household responsibilities than others, eventually facilitating not merely the eulogization of woman’s submissive behavior but also the reinforcement of these repressive norms.
The patriarchal social arrangements put women in such settings where they often regretfully compete against each other for respect, recognition, attention—as men still seem like an unattainable contender. Therefore, it becomes even more important that we do not take the societal arrangements for granted as there is a structure supporting and benefitting from these norms and sometimes the structure outlives its architect.
There are other more drastic repercussions of upholding strict social conventions. Dr. Yasir Hassan Rather (senior Psychiatrist at SHMS Hospital Srinagar) told me that “socially rejected or mortified people are more inclined towards crime or harmful behavior such as drug addiction.” He added that character assassination and excessive social expectation also serve as a prominent cause of suicidal tendencies among women, especially in closed societies.
Besides, many times honor killing and rape are committed to ‘teach woman morality lesson.’ Relating suicide, alienation, depression, rape, and honor killings to social shaming might feel like a bit of a stretch but we must understand that these crimes realize themselves through our everyday banal stereotypes and complicity. Wherein we criminalize women who do not participate or fit-in in the facade of the hollow social theatrics.
The Convergence of Caste, Class, and Shame
Caste and class lie at the heart of these undescribed rules where we are somewhat charitable towards women from the privileged class, while mercilessly intolerable towards the more underprivileged group.
Socially and economically disadvantaged women have to undergo multiple intersectional oppression—of being a woman, poor, and lower caste. Society quite often disapproves of women who get into ‘inappropriate’ professions, for instance, manual scavengers (also known as Bhangi or waatal), domestic helpers, street vendors, even media, and so on, without introspecting that choice is a privileged concept.
Over my extensive conversation on gender politics in Jammu and Kashmir, I discovered that people denigrate women working in an industry where their sexuality is commodified (women in entertainment), but not when their labor is exploited. There is still some sympathy for women working as domestic helpers or manual scavengers, since, even the finest of person sympathies according to his/her own unanalyzed convenience. Also, I suppose society is more troubled by transgressive sexuality than poverty and its associated miseries.
In one of my discussions on media and gender, a woman (media person) stated “some women have degraded the profession for everyone because they do not know how to carry themselves appropriately.” Upon further enquiring to elaborate on what she meant by that, she clarified that “they talk or laugh loudly and are too friendly with their directors or producers.” These kinds of prejudices are not really uncommon. Amit Wanchoo (CEO of SPACE Communications which organizes cultural programs in the Kashmir Valley) told me that “women who work in media are generally stigmatized, predominantly those working as background artists for small roles.” He added that they face problem in getting married or even in social acceptance.
Likewise, while introducing oneself, even in educational institutions the place (village or town) one comes from, accent and caste become crucial for further social engagement particularly in urban areas of Jammu and Kashmir. To acquire social acceptance and avoid bullying oftentimes people from underprivileged group imitate the higher-class etiquettes by attempting to learn the elite language and lifestyles. The peer pressure is so much that oftentimes young girls (predominantly from underprivileged sections) get into a romantic relationship only to afford fancy clothes or places.
Apart from impacting women’s social and professional success or failure, caste and class discrimination also lead to confidence depreciation, mental health issues (such as depression) among the lower class and caste women—more predominantly if not generally. A recent case (2019) in point is that of Payal Tadvi (a second-year MD student) who committed suicide after being subjected to discrimination and harassment for belonging to Scheduled Tribe (Tadvi Bhil Muslim community). However, in Jammu and Kashmir one hardly finds caste/class suicide cases, yet upon speaking to people from Hanji (people living in houseboats) and Banghi (manual scavengers) community one realizes the deep and invisible nature of bigotry towards the lower caste in Jammu and Kashmir. Women from Hanji (particularly those who work as fish sellers) and Banghi community are commonly described as rowdy, indecent, dirty, and so on by other classes. Likewise, during my conversation on caste prejudices in Kashmir, when I told a woman from Hanji community that we don’t see explicit cases of violence against alleged lower classes in Kashmir, she replied to me that “they (upper class) kill you with their words.” I found a similar sense of resentment among gujar (pastoral) community of Jammu and Kashmir for being treated as inferior.
While societal customs impose fewer constraints upon women today and there has been a headway towards reformatory changes, however, these elements of development in the new cultural movements in India and particularly in Jammu and Kashmir cannot become meaningful unless mindsets and behaviors that sustain social prejudices are completely rejected. Therefore, I argue in this piece that the foremost step towards ending the existence of subtle yet strict social mannerism is to admit that they still persist in our complicity. And perhaps also, by depriving them of their excessive social value.
Zohra Batul is a Ph.D. scholar at Jamia Millia Islamia, dept of Political Science.