Preparation of wedding ceremonies in Kashmir takes up substantial part of our lives, resources, and psychological reserves. However, the part that comes before and after the wedding can often get neglected. Problems in relationships are mostly left at the mercy of fate, family, or divine intervention.
Many people, men and women alike, can experience loneliness, isolation, emotional hypersensitivity, emotional outbursts on seemingly trivial issues in a relationship. Feelings of being misunderstood, neglected, blamed, judged and aggression are common complaints. All these feelings can arise due to many psychosocial and interpersonal factors, such as difference of opinion on financial matters, extended family and their involvement with the couple’s lives, parenting difficulties, lack of communication, incompatible priorities and personalities, etc.
If left unaddressed, these problems can also escalate to the point of physical and psychological violence. While some wounds inflicted by the partner in a moment of high emotional reactivity are visible, some wounds can also be inflicted by words. The effects of both can be severe on physical and mental health. If these become common occurrences in a relationship, a person may experience symptoms of various psychological problems like depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress.
The direct effects of a married couple’s dysfunction also gets reflected in their children who become victims of their parents’ problems. When children notice the parents fighting with each other (verbally or physically), hear either of the parents speak harshly or taunting each other with raised voices and sarcastic remarks about another parent in their presence or absence, or witness parents taking out their frustration on them, these children may develop maladaptively making them ill-equipped to cope with stress, studies and general milestones of life. Their low grades, difficult mood, health issues and tantrums can often be an indication of something being wrong in the family unit. If a teacher or any adult in the family knows a child/adolescent who is difficult to manage or cannot keep up with studies, it may be beneficial to enquire about the family functioning.
Relationships can be very complex and the problems therein can be complicated too. But the solution to most of these problems goes back to one of the most fundamental aspects of humans: communication.
A helpful tip in any relation is to ask for what it is that you want. We often expect that our partner should be attuned to our needs but that is usually not the case and we end up getting hurt by unmet expectations. Expressing your needs verbally does not and should not lessen the value they hold.
Similarly, expressing emotions should not be seen in a negative light either. It is seen that emotional expression in relationships is a strong predictor of relationship satisfaction. Emotional expression can be of two types: positive and negative.
Our mind can often steer in the direction of the negative, and express mostly that which we dislike in our partner. There are different ways in which you can express what you dislike. A constructive approach is to start with appreciation and then talk about what you would want them to change in a way that is solution oriented and not aiming to taunt the other person for doing something wrong. If one wants to maintain a healthy relationship, it is very important to also notice and express the positive aspects that you think are going right. Nurturance and appreciation are essential for a relationship just as sunlight and water are essential for a plant. Giving these once a year is not enough for a plant to bloom, we must make it a habit in our daily routine to appreciate what we like in the other person instead of only criticising what we dislike.
Spending at least an average of 90 minutes a week with your partner, actively engaging in conversation about your lives and inner world, ups and downs, fears and feats can go a long way in keeping the relationship alive. During conversations, you might discover something in your partner that you really like and this might enhance more interest in each other’s. Doing activities like household chores together can strengthen the bond substantially.
It is also important to become aware of when to stop engaging. If words are only hurting the other person and yourself in the process, it is important to take breaks and reflect on what went wrong and how you can resolve a conflict. Questions that can help in these situations include: What did he/she do? Why does he/she do that? What wounds/needs within him/her generate the impulse to do this? How did I contribute to the problem? How can we resolve this issue without attacking the other person?
All of these tips may take time to develop but once learnt, they can benefit all the stakeholders of a relationship. If these things do not help to ease communication either, going to a therapist may be beneficial. An outsider to the relationship who has scientific knowledge of human mind and interpersonal relationships may help you to find a path that you didn’t see before.
If problems in your marriage or any other aspect of your life persist, you can reach out to a mental health expert.
Nahal, a Psychologist, is a counsellor with Doctors Without Borders