I love Haakh. Do you?

These H receptors present in oesophagus and stomach recede with age and are responsible for the allergic reactions in early life.
I love Haakh. Do you?
File Photo

I love green. And before I am booked for sedition, Green is the colour of Haakh. Haakh is a green leafy vegetable available in abundance in Kashmir with as many varieties as the Wazwaan  – haainz haakh, wosta haakh, demba haakh, kaanul haakh, mounji Haakh etc. 

Grandmothers by virtue of some supreme powers vested in them by Khuda Saeb happen to like it while as young impatient blood hates it in equal measure. Kashmiri scientists in 17th century have attributed the likening for Haakh with old age to the presence of a receptors known as "H" receptors.

These H receptors present in oesophagus and stomach recede with age and are responsible for the allergic reactions in early life.

The allergic reaction often leads to strange and strong actions like throwing up in the nearest wash basin, frenzy and rage that can induce individuals into shouting at cooks, who invariably happen to be mothers, sisters and wives.

If prophylactic measures like cooking a side-dish such as an omelette or fried something are not taken up by cooks, the situation can go out of control and will invite intervention from peacemakers in neighbourhood such as muqdams.

However if  the Haakh fiasco happens in and after dinner, the possibilities of intervention from neighbourhood  decrease, thus leaving options open for nearby army camps who can dare to douse the flames as and when supported by draconian laws like AFSPA and absolute impunity thereby.

UN in the sixteen resolutions on Kashmir has clearly indicated that it cannot intervene in the Haakh fiasco though it will continue to observe the situation through its UNMOGIP office in Dalgate Srinagar. The international conventions on the Haakh fiasco are yet to be signed and ratified by Kashmir owing to its disputed status in General Assembly.

The OIC has always been sympathetic to Kashmir Haakh fiasco and hopes to train local mosque imams by 2050 for handling/mishandling the issue.  

Indian army convoys owing to their uniform colour have been attacked several times in past by rebels fighting for Azadi . However much to the dismay of rebels and fortunes of Indian army, several trucks of Haakh have been blown up in darkness by mistake.

In one such incident in 1999 in Bijbehara town, a rebel hurled a grenade at an army convoy and claimed to have killed scores of army men. However minutes later the whole town resonated with laughter as the grenade had missed the target and hit the Haakh truck.

This day however is the only day when rebels, Indian army men and the youth of town were blissful, contended and happy together. The  army men for another life , the rebels for missing the actual target but hitting the real target .

The youth for obvious reasons declared the week Haftai itmenaan bila tashadude Haakh (A week of contentment shorn of savagery of haakh).

A counterinsurgent known as KK in Islamabad town, one day marched into his kitchen enquiring about the cooked stuff from his mother. As the fate had it the trembling mother answered –Haakh and a volley of bullets from the barrel of infuriated KK's AK-47 blasted the Haakh container .

The Haakh container and the pressure cooker near it came tumbling down to the ground in metallic ashes like the twin towers on 9/11. KK left the kitchen but only to come back and say that historic one liner- KK Haakh nahi khaata ( KK doesn't eat haakh).

This was our own 9/11 .We the Haakh haters taught the world how to bring down perceived symbols of pride into ashes of shame and gloom.  

Haakh and Haakh haters have had historical ties dating back to Romans. Some Haakh haters however exaggerate it to Palaeolithic age and attribute the genesis of "Haakh" word to the Paleolithic man living by the banks of recently formed Dal-Lake who inquisitively snooped up a leaf of Haakh in his mouth and yelled –AAAKH, this word and the leaf after centuries of twisting and twirling tongue is believed to be Haakh.

In 326 BC in the Battle of Hydaspes, Alexander's horse Bucephalus after carrying Alexander successfully in his initial campaign against King Porus went to quest his thirst near the bank of Jehlum river and leaf twig-uncouthly of Haakh that had travelled all the way in Jehlum  waters  from Sabzi bazaar Srinagar entered his mouth and the galloping horse neighed –Haeeeeeekkkkh , that was sadly his last neigh.

Bucephelus neighed his last! After the battle of Kalinga in 262 BC , Asoka felt deep regret and remorse for the killings and ordered Haakh from Srinagar for his daily dinner as self-punishment and repentance for  the bloodshed. In 64 AD , emperor Nero ordered burning of all Haakh and shops that exported it from  Kashmir to Rome by his secret service agents who by all means were Haakh haters.

The Haakh haters in rage burned whole of Rome instead, even then by no means was emperor Nero sad. He rejoiced and celebrated burning of Haakh than dousing fire of Rome.

The Haakh haters after the treaty of Westphallia in 1648 had vowed to carve a state for themselves by the name of Haakh-free Republic of Carnivora.

After the treaty of Versailles in 1919 , the Germans as part of treaty were made to eat Haakh twice a week , this infuriated Hitler so much that he became a fascist and propounded Aryan Superiority theory which clearly stated superiority over all Haakh eaters and further led to Second world war.

When Jawaharlal Nehru in 1947, oozing with confidence in Lal Chowk Srinagar promised plebiscite to the people of Kashmir he hadn't actually read  "The Secret"- a codified book composed by top most Indian scholars after hundreds of years of research  with just a one line inference written in metallic brail  to be read by Prime ministers of India only just after their swearing in ceremony necessarily. The one line inference is engraved as  " THE ONLY GREEN THING THAT THESE KASHMIRI BOYS HATE IS HAAKH."
(Umair Gul is PhD student at Nelson Mandela centre , New Delhi and younger brother of two chronic Haakh-haters)
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