Imagine a 'paradise on earth', wherein, if you subtract the squalor, misery, pollution (both physical and moral), injustice and oppression, you have a … well nothing less than paradise! Now stretch your imagination a bit more and presume that there might be a lot of people in this 'paradise' who have no means of sustenance, that is, in common parlance, are unemployed (as if such a thing were possible in paradise!).
Imagine now that many an odd issue has been ground to a dust by the boots of authority and swept beneath the carpet (What carpet? The red carpet of welcome, of course… Don't worry you might understand as you read on!). Imagine now that peace has been declared in this 'paradise' … Edit and delete (in your imagination) any visible reminders to the contrary like say, bunkers, barbed wire and barricades, as well as the occasional blasts, 'encounters' and killings! Imagine now that this 'sanitized' paradise is declared a dream destination (This is where our red carpet comes in!), and tourists flock to it in droves!
What do you have? A land of opportunists, er… I mean, opportunity!
Imagine then that prosperity has been announced! And if the authorities say that we are potentially prosperous then it can't be otherwise. Whosoever disagrees is a political dissident to put it mildly, a saboteur of peace, if you want the real definition. Where are the opportunities, some of these 'disgruntled' elements may argue! Let's try to reason with them by revealing some of the upcoming employment avenues! Of course, most of them won't be convinced because they are 'deaf and blind and their hearts are sealed…'
If we take up just one aspect of this 'paradise' like say the horses (instead of being so hung up about cows!) we can with a little bit of positive thinking imagine a whole host of possibilities. Now horse riding is one of the passions that tourists like to indulge in when they visit the 'paradise on earth'. This single passion of the visiting tourists can open up a host of possible job opportunities some of which are detailed below.
Required qualifications are a master's degree in Zoology or veterinary sciences with an
intimate knowledge of horse psychology. Candidates with advanced degrees in life sciences can also apply. Those with a diploma in 'Holding Reins' and 'Saddle Management' will be preferred.
Candidates should also have a working knowledge of a few 'national' languages as well as some foreign languages, so that they can act as interpreters between the tourist and the horse.
The relevant documents must include a character certificate from the SPCA, in addition to the usual security clearance certificates.
Candidates will be required to be fully immune to horse kicks as well as human kicks.
Candidates should have a master's degree in Horse Fodder and Nutrition. Candidates with advanced degrees in Botanical Sciences with particular reference to various varieties of grasses and hay can also apply.
Additional diplomas in horse-pitality and pony catering will carry additional merit.
Candidates are expected to be well versed in running by the horses' sides and feeding them on the move as may be required during peak hours.
Selected candidates will be required to furnish a bond that they will never partake of any of the horse feed themselves. If caught in the act they will be summarily dismissed from service.
Rear Emission Engineers:
Considering the increased number of horses and ponies that will be required to cater to the flood of tourists, horse waste matter, in both liquid and solid form, is poised to become a nuisance in the days to come. Like every situation, this also has a silver lining to it – it will be a golden job opportunity for our qualified youth.
Engineering graduates with additional diplomas in waste disposal can apply. Selected candidates will be sent for training in Horse Diaper Designing and Application.
Selected candidates will be required to bring their own wheelbarrows and other equipment.
The number of tourists is expected to rise to such staggering levels that the horse: rider ratio is likely to become woefully disproportionate. This has resulted in an unprecedented job opportunity for the local population.
Applications are invited from sturdy young men to present their backs for a ride. The only qualification required is a bent back, which is not difficult to come by in this part of the world. By way of additional qualification the candidates should be immune to insults and used to kicks and blows (again no big deal, out here, I mean, there!)
Candidates should be well versed in the Gallop, Trot and Canter modes of ambulation. Proficiency in horseplay and acrobatics will be considered as an added advantage.
Note: In accordance with the age old unwritten Service Laws, selected candidates will be required to deposit two months' salary and a fixed percentage thereafter as 'placement charges' with pre-designated 'liaison' officers!
(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at firstname.lastname@example.org)