Last week we detailed the response of the official elders to the ‘untimely’ snowfall. In case you have been wondering what our own ‘unofficial’ elders were doing in the meantime let me assure you that they were not sitting idle. The matter was duly deliberated upon in the hamaam of the Mohalla Dhaand Khan masjid for instance. The contemporary Ahle Suffa that is the permanent fixtures of the Hamaam of this mosque (fixtures of the sort being common to Hamaams of all mosques!) postponed the scheduled discussion on the amorous escapades of Salaam Ganai’s daughter-in-law to a later date because the discussion on untimely snowfall was of somewhat more urgent nature.
Sitting on the luxuriously warm floor of the Hamaam, Dar sahib started the proceedings of the Masjid Committee. After his retirement from government service Dar sahib increasingly occupied himself with the affairs of the Masjid Committee and quickly rose to become the President of the committee. Since he also stands in for the Moulvi Sahib whenever he is off to visit either of his two wives Dar Sahib never lets go any opportunity to sharpen his oratory. On this occasion too he launched into a sermon by way of beginning the proceedings.
“The snowfall…,” he said and paused dramatically, “Everybody is saying that the snowfall is untimely…and yes…yes I say so far as weather and seasons are concerned the snowfall is…untimely! But did anyone ponder upon this untimely snowfall? Why the snowfall occurred in the first place? Is the untimely snowfall an omen? Is it a divine message? Is it a warning?” He gradually lowered his voice till it was no more than a whisper and then after a brief pause he suddenly burst out vehemently, “YES! YES I say the untimely snowfall is a TIMELY WARNING for us all! It is a warning that unless we change OUR PERVERSE WAYS we are DOOMED! There’s so much WAYWARDNESS in our society. Look at the youth. Our young men are wearing pony tails and zooming around on motorbikes! A couple of crazy lads on a motorcycle almost killed me some days back as I was crossing the road. The girls are no better. No Sir! They cut their hair short and don’t wear pony tails and they too have taken to the road. I don’t know what the world is coming to. Girls are even riding scooters these days and they…they…they…” by now Dar sahib was so worked up that, as usually happens with him, his thinking apparatus got hung and he could only splutter with righteous indignation and could not find any words to complete his sentence.
“They even wear helmets?” Ama Rather supplied.
“Yes! They even wear helmets!” Dar sahib completed his sentence throwing Ama Rather a grateful glance.
The Hamaam coterie shook their heads and muttered ‘Astaghfirullahs’ at the evil ways of the youth which were inviting the wrath of the Almighty and which in the latest instance had manifested itself as an unscheduled snowfall.
“So what are the measures we need to take?” the always-practical Rasheed Mir who is the Treasurer of the Masjid Commitee asked.
“Regarding the waywardness of the youth?” Ama Rather said.
“That too,” Rasheed Mir waved his hand impatiently, “but right now I am talking about the consequences of the untimely snowfall.”
“We will have to buy more firewood for the Hamaam,” cross-eyed Nabeh Sultan, the official ‘operator’ of the Hamaam spoke up,” “With no electricity the boilers in the tanks have become useless.” You see since several years the mosque had ‘augmented’ the heating of water by the Hamaam with the help of four electric boilers in each of the three overhead water storage tanks.
“Yes I had to perform ablutions with cold water yesterday,” Dar sahib said looking pointedly at Nabeh Sultan.
“Not my fault!” Nabeh Sultan protested, “Because of the power outage after the snowfall anybody who needs a bath comes to use the Hamaam washrooms. I even caught Noor Mohammed’s son carrying out a bucketful of hot water from the Hamaam for his wife!” Indeed the ranks of worshippers for the morning prayers had swelled after the breakdown of electricity, though a few brazen men would still slink away without joining the prayers after using the Hamaam washrooms.
The inefficiency of the electric department was discussed and condemned as well and if an instant fatwa against the department was not issued it was only because Ama Rather’s son-in-law works as a lineman in the department. The President issued an order on the spot that the Hamaam washrooms should be kept locked and reserved for the use of the permanent faithful and the members of the Masjid Commmitee.
“We still need to buy more firewood,” Nabeh Sultan insisted.
“We are short on cash,” Rasheed Mir who manages the finances of the mosque tightly said, “We could increase the rent of the Mosque shops. Gule Kaandur has been paying a pittance for so many years now.”
“Let the poor fellow be,” Dar Sahib defended Gule kandhur, “Let us double the rent of the Butcher though. He is a mean chap. The other day he even charged me for the sheep’s lungs even though I told him that I would be feeding it to the crows!”
Actually Dar sahib had hinted at an increase in rent to Gulu Kandhur in the morning. Gule Kandhur had thought it expedient to immediately dispatch a sackful of kangri coals to Dar sahib’s home and had gone there himself and requested Mrs Dar Sahib to send two Kangris daily to his shop for getting them topped with embers.
The committee unanimously adopted the resolution of increasing the rent in case of the butcher. One of the members of the committee suggested that the timing of the morning prayers should be advanced in view of the extreme cold but this suggestion was struck down by all the other members present as being untenable. After discussing a few more of the issues pertaining to the mosque the committee adjourned.
Discussions of similar nature were held by ‘unofficial’ elders in numerous Hamaams and barber shops across the valley. Meanwhile a party with a particularly familiar name has floated an ‘Untimely Snowfall Front’ and terming the snowfall as an attempt to change the cultural and traditional ways of the natives of Kashmir has called for a hartal against it…
(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at snp_ajazbaba@yahoo.com)