All of us die daily. And happy alone are those who come to life daily as well. But those who don’t, they are dead as the dodo. Forever! Agonies conquer them while they try to conquer agonies.
Always in search of a savior who ala Aladdin’s lamp can alleviate their woes in a jiffy, they never stay silent but always bark up the wrong tree. And as far as ‘saviors’ are concerned, there is no dearth of them nowadays.
In fact, a new creed of ‘qualified and learned’ saviors is always at your disposal. Known by many names, they are called as agony uncles or agony aunts (as the case may be). Mind it, their suffixes have nothing to do with their age. Their haven is any media outlet, be it newspaper, magazine, TV or online platforms.
They are paid as ‘agony experts’ or ‘agony analysts’, so to say. In the UK, it’s Aunt Agatha or Uncle Harry, the common names for Agony Aunts and Uncles. Likewise, Uncle Tom is a known Agony Uncle name in Denmark and Sweden. In the USA, Dr. Phil is a popular Agony Uncle, who also hosts a television show. The trend has seeped into many countries. In India, Dr. Love is a popular Agony Uncle name!
These creatures are the self-proclaimed saviors of the lovelorn, the troubled, and the sick. With their condescending advice and their sugary sweet platitudes, they are like a bad episode of a daytime soap opera.
They sit there, with their pens and papers, pretending to care about the problems of their audiences, while secretly relishing in the fact that their own lives are so much better.
They offer up cliches like ‘time heals all wounds’ and ‘just be yourself’, as if these pearls of wisdom are the keys to unlocking life’s mysteries. And let’s not forget their penchant for doling out the most obvious advice imaginable, as if they are imparting some sort of “profound wisdom”. Yes, the Agony Uncles and Aunts are like the Hallmark cards of the advice world—predictable, superficial and ultimately useless.
So, sons of guns if you are still agonized (unfortunately!) don’t worry, take it easy. If you are suffering from insomnia or indigestion; amnesia or anorexia; depression or delusion; cramps or aches; cold or fever; and anything that gives you dingbats—just jot down your problem, and shoot it to them. And wait, you get the panacea! Free answers to your free post queries from self-styled free thinkers like the following:
If you have insomnia, sleep over a problem…
Your indigestion is because of eating, leave eating…
If you have anorexia, go on binge-eating…
If you have an irritable bowel, irritate others…
If you have a tension headache, shake your head…
If you have anxiety about being punished, then kill your source of guilt…
If you are suffering from stomach cramps, then Aaj Tiffin Mat Lay Jana…
Depression is due to subversion, subvert your depression…
Don’t hiss, your wrinkles will vanish, sprinkle worries…
You can never lose your shirt if you are a stuffed shirt…
If you can’t make a bad shot, you cannot shoot ahead…
If you are not happy with X, axe him…
Free up your hearts, freedom is Azadi Dil Ki…
If you have recurrent intestinal colic, don’t take drugs, just have fun and frolic…
If you have a phobia of heights, live with your dreams on mountains…
If you are a squire of dames, tail after like a stark Mc Guts…
And if you are a chronic bachelor, then take nirvana…
Agony uncles and aunts possess such ‘catholic’ tastes. They act as tranquilizers, sedatives, antibiotics and what not. Doctoring as ‘psychotherapists’, theirs is a tell-tale business. The only one where the customer is a top-notch damfool whilst the seller—a maniac masterpiece—assumes as no less than any clever clogs: the intellectuals (anti-actuals) who are ostentatiously and irritatingly knowledgeable.
Such people are not to be blamed. Agonies are so pervasive and prevailing over here that people are prone to be tricked and trapped. Especially in a place where life is under constant stress, people are helpless. So, they resort to all means to alleviate their agonies. In the process, they land up in the wrong places. They throng around the growing category of self-proclaimed ‘holy men and mystics’ who offer absurd solutions to their problems. The artifice of such conmen bolsters their belief in paranormal and magical. Their sleight of hand is so subtle that the agonized just fall in.
The phony holy uncles and, even, aunts fleece the gullible to the hilt. Astonishingly, some of them owe their ‘holiness’ to lineage and yet others claim to possess ‘supernatural’ powers. Two decades back, it was perhaps unimaginable and unthinkable to see a place like Kashmir being overrun by fake holy men. To the extent of shame and shock. The news like ‘Fake Pir booked for rape’ brings an alarm.
The moral panic is justified. But the real genesis of such awful developments remains unexplored. There is a general Godless atmosphere emerging all around. All of us are frantically searching for the cure of our pains at wrong shops. The antidote is faulty; the vendor is a fraud. We are allowing a few clever and crafty people to hoodwink us by exploiting our agonies. Instead of taking us closer to Truth, our sufferings are getting saleable, ironically. People of different shades are doing business over our miseries.
The reality is that the panacea lies somewhere else. Where? Let’s look inwards and find out the answer. For He says, “Call upon me; I will answer you”. No one can heal us except Him.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are the personal opinions of the author.
The facts, analysis, assumptions and perspective appearing in the article do not reflect the views of GK.