What distinguishes us from animals? Come a weak goat in the eyes of a strong one, and it’s mauled. And come a person at its most vulnerable in the eyes of the strong, and he’s encouraged. The former is as wild and gruesome as it can be, the latter appealing to the senses. That’s what the almighty has bestowed us with: senses.
It’s been ages that I am as stuck and still as a statue on its plinth. However strong the suggestions and advice I hear people offer me, I have not been able to break free from this constant slothfulness. A work that requires me take a few steps feels like climbing the Mount Everest.
Stuck at my room, doing nothing other than puffing at coffin nails putting an end to their existence, having my eyes glued to the screen most of the time a day, watching videos on YouTube that are useless, opening the other bunch of applications unnecessarily, reading nothing despite being bestowed with a lot many great books – my days and nights wear on.
In the midst of such painful and upsetting crises, I approached you. Where a lot many students seemed to be selfish at their best, you were the one that had struck me. You were the one who had an edge to herself.
What I seem to have appreciated in you was the way you bust a gut studying in the varsity. No meaningless talks. No wasting time gossiping around. No putting your nose in matters that least concern you. Two things I observed you are deeply obsessed with: education, and then education again. That’s what I was in need of. Your have an influence, and I miserably fail to explain why and how.
In the process of knowing you, however, you made me utterly depressed. Hopeful of being greeted with welcoming words, I was insulted. Time and again I approached you, whenever my psyche was in deep crises, I was thrown aside as an orphan. I wasn’t paid attention to, let alone spoken to. I offered you books that lay untouched in my cupboard, and you weren’t in need of them.
I asked you if you were comfortable talking to me, you shouted otherwise. I gave vent to my emotions about what I appreciated in you and would be privileged if I spent my time with you, I was wounded beyond any chances of repair. First with one excuse, then with an another.
To get rid of this madman, you came up with a word that’s best at making me realise that you really had some deep-rooted issues: compulsions and restrictions you were trapped in. That being selective and reserved was what mattered to you the most. Each excuse on full blast, tearing into my already screwed-up psyche.
Excuses – because as time passed, I was subjected to another painful occurrence, which further made me appear worthless in my own eyes. Ditched dead, I witnessed the complete opposite of the restrictions and the compulsions you were trapped in: talking to a person regarding studies, and letting the one know he had fallen for you.
What further exacerbated my conditions was when one of your friends flat out suggested me that I take care of myself, and that you didn’t want to study with me. The sooner I come to this realisation, the better it would be for me.
While in the middle of nowhere, pondering over the insults you showered me with that keep on making me feel bad, I have grown weak as well as strong. Weak: each of your words-spoken or unspoken-I still recall sends shivers down my spine. Strong: an intense urge to depend on nobody and expect less of people and always expect worse.
But was that too much to ask for?
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are the personal opinions of the author.
The facts, analysis, assumptions and perspective appearing in the article do not reflect the views of GK.