The shrill and somewhat off-key notes of my cell phone pierced the frost-laden, viscous gloom of a premature night, awakening me from my slumber. Sleepily cursing whoever it was, I groped in the inky darkness for the phone and spilled a glass of water. I cursed it and finding my phone tried to pack reproachful indignation into my voice, but ended up croaking a sniffling, sore-throated sleepy hello into the speaker!
“You lucky son-of-a-gun (followed by some unprintable endearments!)…Are you so busy enjoying yourself that you have forgotten your old friend. It is me…from Mumbai!” Someone was screaming in my ears.
I should have guessed! It could have been none other than him, my hyper-enthusiastic friend, who belongs to the tribe of Excitables who can make even a condolence message sound like a Christmas greeting!
As I tried to extricate myself from the layers of blankets and the distorted anatomy of my pheran and collect my sleep dazed and cold benumbed wits he continued to rave, “So you are enjoying yourself…lucky man! Skiing…Dancing in the snow…hurling snowballs and making those silly snow-men!”
“Whatever gave you the idea!” I tried to keep the impatience out of my voice, without much success.
“Saw it on the Telly! I got to hand it to you guys, you really live in a heavenly land. What do you guys call it, Firdous isn’t it?! Ah! How true are Tagore’s words that if there is ‘Firdous’ on earth it is in India…”
“It wasn’t Tagore…and whoever it was, he never mentioned its being in India either!” Cold or no cold, I couldn’t let him distort history.
“Now! Now! Don’t be so touchy, man! I was just joking! I know it was that Ghalib chap of yours who said it!”
“It wasn’t Gh-! Anyway never mind! How’s life out there?” It wasn’t any of this guy’s fault that I had cold sores on my lips and chilblains on my feet so I thought that I might as well be civil to him.
“Cool! But of course nothing as interesting as yours!”
“I bet!” I assented. Cool would hardly describe things out here. Frozen was more like it!
“Ah! How I envy you! What a romantic life style! I guess I shouldn’t be keeping you from all the fun… G’ Bye! And take care! Enjoy yourself and Oh man isn’t it heavenly out there!”
A couple of thousand miles away (or was it light years away?!) he broke off the connection and I was back in the desolation of my cold unheated room. I breathed a silent prayer of thanks that no reveal-all camera had so far beamed the cold and dark reality of ‘Firdous’ on those nosy news channels!
Suddenly I recalled what was supposed to be a humorous (though by no stretch of imagination would I call it that!) story about a guy who died and went Up There! As it happened, a scrutiny of his recorded deeds and misdeeds revealed that his accounts were square as he had an equal amount of good and bad to his credit! Now it seems that there was some kind of a scheme or offer Up There around this time. He was told that he had a choice whether to be sent to Hell or Heaven! The guy must have been one hell of a cautious customer (the sort who go for a market survey before buying even an egg!), as he asked for a preview of both. Since there did not seem to be any brochures around, he was offered a tour of both the places. He was taken to Heaven first. This place was quite cool and nice and good (quite like what he had heard about it!) but a trifle too calm and sedate for his tastes… And then he was taken on a tour of Hell! And oh! What a scene of action this was! Wines flowing, flashing psychedelic lights, blaring music (mostly remixes!), glitzy casinos, seductive catwalks, cute bimbos in various costumes! Yeah it was the original Sin City! Mind blowing to say the least! And so his mind was blown and made up in the process. He chose Hell! (Honestly, wouldn’t you?!)
So after signing the necessary papers and completing whatever formalities one must have to Up There with a seal put on it, as they say his fate was sealed and he was escorted to Hell! Er….escorted doesn’t exactly describe it. This time around he was bundled unceremoniously and thrown into Hell and the Great gates closed upon him!
And this was just the beginning of an unpleasant (too mild a word perhaps?) surprise! It was nothing like the Hell he had seen earlier. Unbearable temperatures, extremes of hot and cold (yeah! parts of hell are cold as well – the worst parts they say – shouldn’t be hard to imagine for people living here!), evil smelling gutters full of pus and pestilence, unearthly screams of torture (We don’t need to go into details! Wouldn’t want all this stuff recreated in your nightmares that too in these cold and dark nights!)
He screamed out in agony, “Hey this is not what I chose! Whatever happened to the Hell I was shown?!”
Suddenly the very walls reverberated with Mighty Laughter as if a hundred, nay a thousand, BOSE speakers had been switched on! And then a Voice boomed (I guess somewhat like in those mythological serials!),
“Stupid Mortal! This is the real Hell! The other one was just for tourists!”
(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at snp_ajazbaba@yahoo.com)