Mothering their husbands

If women didn’t say anything, men would just let it go.
Mothering their husbands
Representational Pic

Wife doesn't let you out of her sight before she's approved what you're wearing, how your hair looks, where you're going, and when you'll be home. And then she'll still check in with you by phone a dozen times while you're out. She's not comfortable letting you dress yourself, because she's afraid you'll wear stripes with plaid, or do errands by yourself, because she doesn't think you're capable of picking up the correct brand of detergent—in short, she doesn't trust you to do anything as well as she believes she can do it herself. When women become too involved in how their partners feel they tend to become more maternal, taking too much responsibility for them. Remember, if you baby a baby when he's a baby you won't have to baby him the rest of his life.

As a child, we'd hear/see that 'parent' means all admonitions, rules, and laws. They range all the way through the nonverbal-tone-of-voice facial expressions, cuddling or non-cuddling to the more elaborate verbal rules and regulations espoused by the parents as the little person became able to understand words. Thousands of 'no's' directed at the toddler, the repeated 'do not's' that bombarded him, the looks of pain and horror in mother's face when his clumsiness brought shame on the family were all included in this set of recordings. As mothering is treating a man as though he's a little boy instead of a mature man, common ways of expressing it include picking up his dirty clothes; laying his clothes out in the morning; organizing his drawers and shoe rack; constant reminders about appointments and chores and bills; scolding him for not dressing warmly, taking over responsibilities on the assumption that he cannot manage them; correcting him in public if he gets details of a story wrong. While it may be necessary to do these things occasionally, they can cause a multitude of problems if adopted as a lifestyle.

As if they're the only sensible adult in the family, women feel their husbands act like children. Wife knows that in his working environment her hubby communicates, problem-solves and produces positive outcomes. She gets enormously frustrated why he doesn't seem to use them at home. When she attempts to treat her partner more as a naughty little boy than as a capable man, man's reaction, as a result, is to start behaving like one. The upshot; more the man rebels the more the woman nags. The more he resists the more she starts to act like his mother. Eventually, they both reach a point where they no longer see each other partners. There's no greater passion-killer for the man than starting to feel he-is-with-his-mother, nor for the woman than the feeling is she-is-with-an-immature, selfish and lazy little boy.

Why that wife becomes a mom! Women, innately, feel they've to take care of the man, the children, the grandchildren etc. As nest-feeders, women have had to manage the household, keep track of families' lives and make sure all else is taken care of. Probably, because if women didn't say anything, men would just let it go. They'd let weeks old curds get bad, leave the house with stains on their wrinkled clothes, die at an early age because they didn't get rid of their motorbike and wrecked it into a wall. This is why either she's a nag or her hubby acts like a child instead of a man.

'Born-leader-types' may even refuse to grow up and assume full adult responsibility for their lives. Therefore, wives… their surrogate mothers… must take charge of them, being their secretaries, helpers, navigators, and anything else their husbands either cannot learn how to do for them (we hear 'behind-every-great-man-there-is-a-woman'). They, who never get anything right and when these husbands let them get away with it, it is then wives mother their husbands. It's just instinct. Men out there that like to be mothered need their clothing washed, and have their dinner made. They don't do anything for themselves. The secret reason why society wants women to get married (before having kids) is because having a husband is pretty dang close to having a child. Taking on the mother role has an unfortunate side-effect of the lack of respect – children can't take care of themselves.

Wife can't respect her husband if she didn't think he's a basically competent human being. Something baffling, how a woman, who moves in with her man that has lived alone for years, suddenly thinks that without her taking care of him he'll starve, etc. When he's so used to wife doing everything, how's he supposed to know better? The short answer is plain and simple: women are biologically programmed to bear and raise children—and those predispositions exist long before they actually give birth, which means that when they're feeling an unconscious need to channel all those nurturing instincts, they turn to the most logical recipient: their partner to be treated like a child. Remember, the same hormones flowing freely in new mothers, e.g. oxytocin, are the ones a woman feels when she's connecting deeply with a male partner. This is especially evident if their own mothers mothered their husbands.

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