Practicing Empathy

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This maxim we hear from our childhood days. The celebrated Chinese Philosopher, Confucius said it differently in his utterance, “Don’t do unto others what you don’t want done unto you.” Lately known as The Golden Rule, it is understood as the principle of treating others as you want to be treated. It is found in most of the religions and cultures around the world and can be considered an ethic of reciprocity in some religions, although different religions treat it differently. The maxim may appear as a positive or negative injunction governing conduct: Treat others as you would like others to treat you; Do not treat others in ways that you would not like to be treated or What you wish upon others, you wish upon yourself.

Among the earliest appearances in English is Earl Rivers’ translation of a saying of Socrates (Dictes and Sayenges of the Philosophirs, 1477): “Do to other as thou wouldst they should do to thee, and do to none other but as thou wouldst be done to.” It is so well known that it is often shortened. Treat other people with the concern and kindness you would like them to show toward you. As human beings, we love to convey our own views that come from our own experiences. As Marshall Rosenberg, the author, gently and pithily advised, “Empathy… calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.”

   

Where did empathy come from? As a word, empathy has a history of just about 140 years in Western circles. In the year 1873, a German philosopher was the first to use the word “Einfühlung”, to explain how we “feel into”. Carl Rogers, the American psychologist on whose works is based much of our modern understanding on empathy, wrote “Empathic – An Unappreciated Way of Being”. In that, he proposed that empathy is a process, rather than a state. In his words only, “What is empathy? It is to sense the hurt or the pleasure of another as he senses it.”

Professor V.S Ramachandran, the neuroscientist whose TED talks on “Mirror Neurons” attracts phenomenal viewership, says: “…If I really and truly empathize with your pain, I need to experience it myself. That’s what the mirror neurons are doing, allowing me to empathize with your pain – saying in effect that the person is experiencing the same agony and excruciating pain as you would if somebody were to poke you with a needle directly. That’s the basis of all empathy.”

Empathy is what makes us human. We need to be connected and feel connected in order to work in a team. People are not tuned to empathise. Emily McDowell designed cards called empathy cards because she believed that cancer fighters expect a special kind of understanding and none of the commercial cards came even close to expressing the right level of empathy. “It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realising it.” Being Empathetic develops self-awareness, humour and complex thinking.

Empathy means that in our interactions with others, we should always put ourselves in their place and imagine how they would feel. When we do this, we will realize that we will be fair, just and kind towards others. Just as we do not like being attacked, beaten, lied to, cheated and so on, others do not like it as well. Empathy helps us to understand the feelings and perspectives of others and stops us from behaving towards them unjustly. An empathic person makes sure that none of his actions hurts others. He does not just stop at showing compassion towards others, he acts to share their joys and sorrows like the sage Vishvamitra, who was willing to forgo the blessing of immortality to save hungry people who were dying around him. This is an example of compassion leading to empathy. In an attempt to precisely define what empathy is, people have created different categories of empathy. According to the psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman, there are three types of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate.

  1. Cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand how someone else feels and to work out what they might be thinking.
  2. Emotional empathy or Affective empathy. Emotional empathy refers to the ability to share another person’s emotions. This would mean when you see someone else who is sad, it makes you feel sad.
  3. Compassionate empathy or Empathic Concern. Compassionate empathy is when you take feelings to actions. It goes beyond understanding and relating to other people’s situations, and pushed an individual to do something.

Rather than dwelling on the different types, the more fundamental question is “Why empathy?” The answer lies in what the former USA President, Barack Obama, said, “The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now is an empathy deficit. We are in great need of people being able to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.” It is heartening to know that 98% of people have the ability to empathize with others; the few exceptions being psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths who are unable to understand or relate to other people’s feelings and emotions. In fact, Maya Angelou once said, “I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.”

Empathy is important in almost every aspect of daily life. It allows us to have compassion for others, relate to friends, loved ones, co-workers, and strangers, and it has a large benefit impact on the world. From a global perspective it is infinitely important, especially when it leads to compassion. This type of empathy pushes people to dive in and help when there are major disasters. People are willing to help out others that they have never met because they know that they too would need help if things were reversed. Without compassionate empathy, the world would be a much darker place to live.

In personal life, healthy relationships are a sine quo non for a balanced life. The relationships need to be nurtured, cared for and understood in proper perspectives. A friendship or a romantic relationship that lacks empathy and understanding is likely to flounder sooner than later. When people only think of their own interests, the other people in the relationships will suffer.No two people are ever going to think exactly alike, and no two people are going to have the same experiences. Different people in a relationship bring their own different ideas, life experiences, and struggles. Without trying to relate to one another’s feelings and perspectives, people in relationships will feel unloved and uncared for.

While there is some evidence that the ability to empathize is traced to genetic predisposition, it is also true that empathy is a skill that can be learnt, enhanced and even decreased. Unlike IQ or the genes one inherited from one’s parents, we can apply ourselves and develop a greater understanding and know-how in relating to our own and others’ feelings. Feeling understood is not only a basic human need but it is also how we connect, help, and support one another. If we are unable to accept and empathize with our own emotions, it is difficult to be present to people around us. And for this reason, empathy is crucial for our interconnectivity.

Listening to others is a very good way of developing empathy. When we take the time to listen to what other people have to say, it is an easy way of understanding how they think and feel. Listen ing is best achieved when we set aside our own thoughts and opinions and carefully think about what another person is saying. We can also do a better job of listening when we give our undivided attention to others, which will make them feel like being cared for and it gives us an opportunity to truly understand their point of view.

Bhushan Lal Razdan, formerly of the Indian Revenue Service, retired as Director General of Income Tax (Investigation), Chandigarh and is a Trustee of Vitasta Health Care Trust.

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