A friend of mine recently dragged me to a scientific conference. The conference was in full swing as we entered the auditorium and seated ourselves. A rather flamboyant speaker was concluding his presentation. “…and so the scientists believe the cockroach, that lowly arthropod infesting your kitchens and bathrooms, can survive even a nuclear holocaust! Such a degree of sturdiness is unknown in any other species.” The speaker finished his presentation with an impressive flourish.
A mousy-looking man with thick horn-rimmed spectacles got up, coughed apologetically, and said, “I beg to differ! We have on record a person, a living specimen of the human species, who can easily survive a nuclear attack (among other things) and definitely outlast a cockroach!” He then went on to name a rather well known bureaucrat who was not even a bureaucrat to begin with but not only managed to become one but also left many of the ‘real’ bureaucrats far behind.
A prominent Pulmonologist (specialist of the respiratory system) got up and rather breathlessly seconded this statement, adding, “I am soon going to present a paper in an international conference about this ‘phenomenal survivor’. There are reasons enough to believe that this man possesses a pair of gills in addition to a pair of lungs. You see, a lesser mortal would have long since been drowned in the quantity of ink that has been flowing in the print media against this man!”
A Gastroenterologist (who is the local authority on what people eat and excrete, with rather dogmatic views, on what they should eat and excrete!) looked askance at his colleague, casting serious doubts on his ‘gill theory’. He nearly exploded with the words, “Dietary fibre! That’s it! It has been my privilege on several occasions in this very avenue to insist that most of the troubles in this world are either due to indigestion or, almost invariably, constipation! Were we to get rid of constipation, much of the evil in the world would automatically disappear. There would be no ill-will, no strife!” He pounded the table to add emphasis to his words.
“And how does that explain this man’s survival skills?” asked the Pulmonologist, rather wheezily.
“My dear friend, as you probably know, our much celebrated Haakh (the national vegetable that most Kashmiris swear by!) and Nadroo (lotus stem) are rich sources of dietary fiber. Since eternity these fiber-rich vegetables have been gifted to men (and women) who matter to keep their bowels smooth so that they can in turn smoothen out any problems that you may have in life! And if you only knew the quantity of these vegetables that has been exported across ‘the tunnel’ by this Great Survivor, both by land as well as aerial routes, you would not even suggest something as silly as your ‘gill-theory’. This man ensured that every bureaucrat, democrat, plutocrat, etc. should get enough of dietary fiber to make his passage through life easier!” The Pulmonologist was silenced by this argument as he recalled the magical effect of this kind of dietary fiber on the men in the corridors of power as he had himself supplied it many a time!
“That may be it,” a Cardiologist of repute spoke up, “but there is another reason as well!” He took off his spectacles, polishing them vigorously as he continued, “Though I don’t see eye-to-eye with this man” (which probably he can’t see with anyone considering that he is severely ‘cross-eyed’!) “he sure knows the way to hearts (especially of those that matter!). What more secure place that this, when you can’t even come within a mile of these powerful people what with their security guards! Who can dislodge you when you are nestled in such cozy comfort?!”
An Oncologist (cancer specialist) presented his monograph in which he had outlined, how by studying this Great Survivor he had gained valuable insights into metastasis, i.e., the process of spread of cancer to distant sites in the body. “This Great Survivor not only exhibits all the characteristics of a malignant tumor, he has also inspired many malignant clones of himself!” he said.
A Dermatologist (skin specialist) got up and propounded his ‘itch theory’. It is a simple case of ‘you scratch my back and I will scratch yours’. Our subject is known for obligingly scratching the backs of people who gladly scratch his in return, when the need arises!” he said.
Come to think of it all these ‘specialists’ are right in their own way. To survive in the uncertainty that marks (and mars!) this part of the world you have to have multiple survival skills. It is obvious that the ‘hero’ of our story has all these known skills and probably more and for sure he’s going to be around for a pretty long time yet in some form or the other. Mind it this is not about a single individual for there are many that fit this description…
(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at snp_ajazbaba@yahoo.com)