The latest episode of hostilities between the two neighbours began early in the morning on Saturday. When Salaama’s wife Meema woke up in the morning and looked out of the window she found her flower bed in which she had planted some tulips in a state of total disarray. She immediately rushed out to survey the damage. The flower bed was all dug up and bits and pieces of tulip bulbs lay scattered around. Meema squatted to peer closely at the damage and it was then that she saw the dried bird droppings. She bristled with rage as she realised that it was a clear-cut case of sabotage by infiltrators. The droppings clearly indicated who the infiltrators were and where they had come from. It was that infernal couple; neighbour Golama’s Rooster and Hen! Meema carefully picked up the droppings and preserved these as proof in a small polythene pouch and then she let loose! Pacing her garden she started shouting repeatedly in her high pitched voice, “Haseenaaaai! I know my flower bed was giving you heartburn! I know you sent your foul fowl on a deliberate mission to destroy it! A cheap frump that you are!”
Getting herself all worked up she leapt onto the veranda of her house screaming hysterically in the direction of Golama’s house, “Haseenaaaai! May your house catch fire and may you and yours burn with it! I know the lowly stock you come from. Doesn’t everybody know that your father was a horse-thief and your brothers are thieves and pickpockets too?”
Haseena dashed out of her house and screamed back, “Hey Meemaaaie! Why are you shouting like a fisherwoman? Got another attack of madness?! I come from a lowly family? And you are a princess?! Beggar-princess! Wasn’t your father a mad beggar and your mother too! And you would be begging too had you not run away with pock-marked Salaama!”
“And you practised running with half a dozen louts before you induced Cross-eyed Golama to run away with you! You ruined my tulip bed see if I don’t destroy you and yours!” Meema retorted.
Haseena hooted.
Meema hissed.
The children stood behind their mothers making faces and wicked gestures at each other.
Salaama leaned out of the first floor window and shouted, “Golamaaa! Tell your wife to shut her mouth or else…”
“Or else what?!” Golama appeared at the opposite window and started rolling up his sleeves. Volleys of invective flew in either direction. The verbal duel turned into a cacophony and touched heights of frenzy. Both sides were foaming at their respective mouths. Finally an out of breath Meema screamed, “Fie upon you!” and grabbing her children went inside her house. Haseena responded with, “Pox on you!” and turned to go inside her house with her children in tow. This served as an announcement of a temporary cease fire. The two husbands snarled and growled at each other for a while but then they too banged their windows shut. Sporadic bursts of expletives and abuses continued throughout the day from both sides but no further significant event occurred.
Two days later Haseena woke up to find her vegetable patch mercilessly massacred. It took no big effort to figure out the agency as well as the agent responsible. It was clear as day that this outrage must have been committed by Salaama’s goat. Now Salaama’s goat remains mostly in protective custody inside a barricaded pen which is always latched shut on the outside but on this particular day the goat was surprised to see light streaming in through the door as dawn broke. The door was open! Whether this was an accident or a deliberate lapse by Salaama or his wife or one of the kids is something that as is usual in such cases will be debated over for years but as is again usual in such cases nothing will ever be proved conclusively. Anyway the goat unable to ignore this open invitation decided to go for a morning walk. How it came to know about the vegetable patch in the neighbour’s garden is another mystery that will never be solved but somehow the goat did manage to scramble over or leap over the fence and the vegetable patch became history. It was Golama’s wife who went ballistic this time with Salaama’s wife putting up a tough fight in response. Saturday’s verbal warfare with nuclear invectives and expletives zooming across the boundary fence from both sides was repeated once again.
All this is nothing new between the two neighbours. You see both are perennially hostile because of this big willow tree that grows where their properties meet. Both Salaama and Golama lay claim to this tree and there have been pitched battles between the two over the issue. Finally on the intervention of Maulvi Sahib and other local respectables the tree was fenced out on both sides so that it stands in a secluded space of its own. Golama’s family has free use of the branches occupying their airspace and Salaama’s family freely uses the branches in their airspace. In a religiously followed ritual twigs are broken by them from the branches on their side and used ostensibly for brushing their teeth but then they lift their heads and spit towards each other’s houses. The spit makes it across (sometimes!) or descends upon their own faces (often!) but in either case it remains an act of valour and allegiance to their own side. Now of course there will always be hens (and roosters too!) and there will always be goats (and scapegoats too!) and there will always be Salama’s wife and Golama’s wife shouting at each other and most likely their children will continue this tradition after them.
(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at snp_ajazbaba@yahoo.com)