Our neighborhood ‘Auntie’ is known for her hysterical attacks. Her long-suffering husband is always bemoaning these ‘historical’ attacks. Every time his wife has one of these attacks (a not too uncommon an occurrence at that!), he gloomily says to anyone willing to lend him an ear, “Poor lady she has again had a ‘historical’ attack…”
Now the strange thing about these dramatic attacks is that they usually occur at pretty convenient times, convenient for the Auntie that is. Like say, when she has to get something out of her husband or again when she has to get out of something. Her poor husband lives in constant threat of these attacks and is as obliging as such unfortunate (and not so rare!) husbands are wont to be. Of course, everybody in our locality (except the poor husband) can see through this ‘historical’ attack business (so much so that some particularly ‘insightful’ females of the locality can actually foretell an attack!)
So rather than being something to commiserate about, these attacks have become a by-word for comedy and, of course, an addition to the local vocabulary. How much of an addition became apparent to me while listening to a comment from my 6-year-old nephew.
I was watching TV along with this young chap and some channel was showing a video about ‘historical’ meetings between the Indian and Pakistani leaders.
Suddenly my nephew spoke up, “Do India and Pakistan get ‘historical’ the way Auntie does?!” What is it with children that they ask these deceptively simple questions which however have no simple answers!
“Well, India and Pakistan do get ‘historical’ at times, but not exactly like Auntie goes about it …,” I began to explain. A tall order though! For how does one explain the politics of hysteria and the hysteria of politics; the difference between historical and hysterical and the relationship between the two… that too to a six-year-old kid!
Auntie’s hysteria seemed a fair and familiar enough ground to start with. “It is not ‘historical’ attacks but ‘hysterical’ attacks that Auntie gets.” I explained and launched into a discourse on hysteria (thank God, and of course Google!).
I just love being with children and imparting my, not inconsiderable, knowledge to them. My personality seems to have a calming effect on most of them. It is not infrequent that they get heavy-lidded and slip into slumber while I am only a few minutes into one on my knowledgeable discourses… I hope it doesn’t sound too immodest if I say that I have a similar calming effect on most adults. A few minutes of conversation, usually a monologue on my part, and eyelids start sagging, even the most well-mannered get carried away and can’t resist a cavernous yawn or two… A friend of mine complimented me once saying that ‘I am a God-send remedy for insomnia!’
My! I do get carried away! Now where was I? Ah yes! Explaining ‘historical’ and hysterical’ to my inquisitive little nephew.
“Do you get it?” I asked him, after concluding my speech on hysteria.
“Yeah…” he drawled, rather sleepily.
“What?” I like to see the seeds of knowledge sprouting in young minds, especially, the seeds that…ahem… I have sown.
“That Auntie gets hysterical attacks and not historical attacks…”
“Right!” I beamed and moved on to explain the ‘historical’ part.
“You see it is quite usual for India and Pakistan to get historical. Then you get to see all those historical hugs and handshakes on the TV, newspapers, comics everywhere! Lots of smiles and waving of hands… The Pakistani President and the Indian Prime Minister grinning like two mischievous old chums with a trick or two up their sleeves…
“There is a lot of talk… many promises, exchanging of phone numbers perhaps, and maybe a trade agreement or two. The two leaders are said to be seeing ‘eye-to-eye’ on most issues.
“People start digging up old road-maps or hammer out new solutions to long- standing issues. Resolution of all conflicts seem to be just around that corner… yonder there. And all the while, the U.S looks on like an amused mother-in-law witnessing a truce between two perennially warring daughters-in-law!
“Do you get that?” I paused and asked my lone audience.
“Yeah…” he mumbled even more sleepily.
“What?” I like making sure that I am understood.
“That Auntie gets hysterical and not historical whereas India and Pakistan get historical and not hysterical…” he got out the words somehow.
“Well not exactly…” I didn’t want to load an impressionable young mind with an incomplete picture of India – Pakistan relationship.
He got so confused that for a moment he forgot his drowsiness and his eyes got wide open.
“Let me explain!” the response was quite pleasing and inspiring as well.
“India and Pakistan are not always ‘historical’ you see. There are times, quite common, like in Auntie’s case, when Indian and Pakistan get hysterical rather than historical. Like two close chums who fall out, they threaten to reveal each other’s dark secrets and start washing their dirty linen in the public domain! Eye-to-eye becomes eyeball-to-eyeball…That old pummel bag – the Kashmir issue – is brought out of the closet. Both the sides work themselves up into frenzy. The electronic media goes crazy, digging up footage of old wars and scars. TRPs of TV channels rise in direct proportion to the national indignation. That Karl Marx fellow was way off the mark when he called religion ‘the opium of the masses’. It is not religion but pseudo-patriotism and narrow-nationalism that’s the opium of the masses! What better way to make people forget the squalor and misery of their lives! To keep people from getting restive with all the injustice that they are mired in?! It is here that pseudo-patriotism comes to the rescue. Just set the ball rolling and the TV channels will do the rest. Trust them to make this pseudo-patriotism as trendy as popcorn and Pepsi…Do you get that?” I asked, stifling a yawn. My magic had started to work on me as well!
No response!
I looked down and there he was, the small feller, all curled up and fast asleep…
(Truth is mostly unpalatable…but truth cannot be ignored! Here we serve the truth, seasoned with salt and pepper and a dash of sauce (iness!). You can record your burps, belches and indigestion, if any, at snp_ajazbaba@yahoo.com)