Curled up in the covers, Uzma half opened her right eye to see the weather update from the window. The season’s first snow! Pure, serene, so white! Covering every color, speck of glitter, filth, every space in a white blanket. There was no rich or poor house evident, no kuccha or pakka roads, no color vibrant or dull. It was all a uniform white. Everything was equal.
Uzma enjoyed snow since childhood. She would be so excited to go all out and play in the snow. She would not bother about catching a cold or a fever. She would open her arms and feel the snow melt into her face. It was not biting cold, but fresh with a strange kind of warmth. A cold friendly warmth!
Why then today, after many years of adolescence and some of adulthood, Uzma was not able to come out of the shackles of laziness, cold and overt fear of illness? Why she preferred the comfort the blanket had to offer? She wanted to push it all away but her limbs froze. Where was her energy? What kind of feeling had she been feeling for years all together now?
She pondered and pondered. What had happened? What were these years about?
Attempting to fulfilling expectations of teachers and family as a good student, succeeding sometimes and failing mostly, with unforgiving rebuke. Unrequited friendships and love, erroneously thinking it was a panacea for all troubles. Accommodating willingly to the extent that people assumed she unquestioningly would. Laughing at herself so hard that people thought nothing hurt her at all. So many years of unfulfilled wishes, conformations and unsolicited comments that re-molded her into the person she no longer recognized. It is true that humans are made of earth. It is also true that we become potters for all the others around who try to re-mold us, till we lose what we have been. Still they are not satisfied with what they have done and keep trying. Of course, it is always convenient to keep trying to reshape others, than our own selves. Uzma wanted to be who she was, but the price was too much to pay. No one appreciated a person’s reality. The reality of rawness and selfishness is unpalatable. It has to be beautified with politeness and smoothened out with the polish of etiquette and altruism.
Uzma wondered if life would have been easier if she were a boy. They are mostly thought to be having individualistic personalities and their demand for space is often respectfully forgiven. Now now, there was the solution! Or was it really?
What about the burden of being exceptionally strong? What about never being allowed to cry in company? What about the pressure of providence? What about the delicate balances to be put in place with amma and bhabi under the same roof! Well, well Uzma restrained her so called idea and tried to re align her thoughts.
Uzma could not remember when the fire in her died actually. It might have taken many years, or it could have been a moment. She didn’t exactly remember. All she remembered was that she missed that fire. The fire that people said was bad and unbecoming of a lady. They said it would considerably reduce chances of her approval by others. Approval was convenient and comforting. Fire was consuming! So many years of listening and learning the what and how of things that were pr-ordained and pre-decided and renewed with societal decorations every year, made Uzma incapable of thinking. The training killed her feelings and the lack of thought killed her brain. Uzma had become a vegetable. She wanted to call out earnestly to Almighty to help her get out of this quagmire. Her dead body was becoming heavier by the day and was getting pulled in. Unable to move, she sat there closing her eyes and imploring her lord for mercy. Was He not closer to her than her jugular vein? Oh yes, that was Maulvi Sahab said. But why wouldn’t then He listen? Is it because she doesn’t move in the prescribed way while praying? She can do that too but where is her fire to pray? Has that too been taken away? She lay there unmoving and grieving for her lost self. She didn’t want to leave the blanket. She just wanted to sleep. The blanket was scaring and comforting her at the same time. She was too tired and wanted to be unconscious of what was happening to her, sinking into oblivion.
Uzma is found in many many homes now a days. Her name and gender changes with each house-hold. Mental health has been ignored and their are taboos associated with it. Not talking about it doesn’t mean it’s missing. Triggers can be many. Peer pressure, judgmental attitudes of people, failed relationships, failure in competitive exams, over thinking, pessimistic predictions and sometimes one cannot even state the reasons. We want help but we are too proud to take it. We take the lead in talking about financial and social problems, but we are not comfortable discussing mental health issues.
Please understand that people around us are not mostly sources of our comforts and sustenance, but the contrary. Our families are. But we tend to think more about them than ourselves. As a result, we end up fighting lost battles.
Learn to walk alone, and be as comfortable reading a book in the silence of our homes as in a coffee shop with crowds. Being comfortable with your own self does not make you a loner. It doesn’t matter if you took some more time in cracking a coveted exam. It doesn’t really make you happy if you get a promotion on the day of a broken relationship. It doesn’t also matter if you lose a job on the day of your marriage, you have a person who cares about you and you will sail through! Sometimes, things seem difficult, but it is okay eventually! It’s okay to be third on the merit list. It is okay that your neighbor’s child is more intelligent and gifted than yours. It is okay to marry later than your friends. It is okay to have the least fancy dress. At the end of the day, how long do we actually remember who was wearing what? It is okay if you are the least preferred selfie partner.
What is NOT okay, is NOT to take help and address one’s insecurities. It is NOT okay to be victims of judgements. It is NOT okay to see one’s achievements through the prism of others. It is NOT okay to become an underdog and let your personality be shadowed. It is NOT okay to give unsolicited suggestions to others and thrust your opinions on how they should be leading their lives. We could have said that others need to stop judging, pushing us and predicting our success as per their parameters. They need to do so. The whole point is we cannot control them but we could certainly do that for ourselves. They eventually give up when it doesn’t produce the desired affects. Trolling in a virtual world, life style pressures, fake conceptions of happiness, we have created these engulfing clouds for ourselves and allow them to define us. Can people be defined by virtually administered clouds? Will other people’s reactions govern us or our own volition? It takes courage to be a nonchalant person that way, but that does not limit its importance for our own well being.
We all have our fire within us. We are made of earth. Remember that fire cannot consume earth. Don’t be afraid of this fire of excitement, energy and challenges. It’s not bad. This fire makes us different and thus valuable. Or else we all would become non identical twins, with no personalities. Nurture this fire to make you grow wise.
Amira Wali is a College Teacher