Kindness is a quality that seems inherent in human beings. Like most vital things, however, it is at once very simple and very complex, with multiple layers that can be explored extensively.
On the simplest level, kindness is showing consideration to others, as opposed to being insensitive, harmful or apathetic. On this basic level, kindness has universal appeal. Not only human beings, infants and children included, but also animals appreciate kindness. The reason is simple. Our most basic motivation is to strive for survival, well-being and happiness. Being treated by others with cruelty, indifference or insensitivity goes directly against this basic wish. So, we want others to treat us with kindness and this is common to all humans.
The basis of kindness can be thought of as sociality, the natural desire to cooperate with or help someone else. For example, if you’re a nurse, your outlook may be that the emotional and physical stress of the position is worth the sense of fulfilment that your duties give you. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that the job is inherently exhausting. How could nature establish that this altruistic behaviour is advantageous and, therefore, worth coding into our genetic makeup? Humans have evolved into caregiving mammals who help others in need, and their brains release oxytocin and dopamine—neurohormones associated with creating social bonds that signal a sense of reward, enjoyment, and benefit. The motivation to help others stems from the instinct to protect our offspring. “You don’t even have to observe the recipient of the kindness or protection to feel good,” says Preston. “When people donate to disaster relief funds or give blood, their brain anticipates feeling good, and it responds accordingly.”
Each person in the world has an effect on another person. Our actions ripple and bleed out into the world, the social consciousness. We have an incredible gift in that we are able to choose how we act in all things. Our very small decisions can reach people and creatures we can’t even see, and all because of our choices. This ripple effect is utterly undeniable and has a distinct scientific basis. As such, it then stands to reason that if we are truly as interconnected as science dictates, then kindness is the best way to look after not only ourselves but each other. One person’s happiness can very quickly become our own, and we can spread that joy through true and genuine acts of altruism, care, and, of course, kindness. And the best thing is, it seldom costs anything to be kind.
The thing about all behaviours, animal or human, is that they didn’t just happen. They evolved over millennia of genetic mutation through beneficial actions and physical traits used for survival. Over time, animals evolved social behaviours and thus formed groups of varying complexity. These social groups formed because somewhere along the way, one prehistoric animal and another of its species realized that they could accomplish several things together that they couldn’t on their own. They could engage in sentinel behaviour, allowing herds to simultaneously feed and keep a lookout for predators. They could defend themselves more easily and outrun predators with more success. Predator species that display social behaviours do so in order to secure more territory and take down larger prey items. Even more staggeringly, there are different kinds of sociality like Altruism that benefits a member of your community at the expense of yourself; or Reciprocity that leads to the sharing of resources on equal terms; or Kin Selection that motivates you to assist the family at the expense of yourself, or Eusociality that leads to the formation of colonies where every member of that colony performs a specific function.
But people can be social and still not be kind. So, how does kindness itself occur? Well, it seems that our brains have worked out a very real way of rewarding us for acting in the best interests of others. Once evolution has established that a trait or behaviour is essential to a species’ survival, it then needs to go about making that trait or behaviour easier to do or access. Our hands evolved the opposable thumb so we could more easily grip tools. Our teeth and mouth have changed in response to the growth of our brain and the change in our diet.
In a recent study reported on how people felt after performing or observing kind acts every day for seven days, participants were randomly assigned to carry out at least one more kind act than usual for someone close to them, an acquaintance or even a stranger, or themselves, or to try to actively observe kind acts. Happiness was measured before and after the seven days of kindness. The researchers found that being kind to ourselves or to anyone else or actively observing kindness around us boosted happiness. While we may not have control over another person, we do have control over ourselves. We can’t make anyone else be kind, but that doesn’t have to stop us from aspiring to be kind, no matter what.
Give to give, not to receive. The purest form of kindness may have no audience and offer no credit. Kindness to accumulate thanks is self-serving at best. Some may even say it’s an effort to control or make the recipient feel indebted. But when we are kind even if — maybe especially if — there’s no such payback, the rewards may be all the sweeter. Someone happened to learn that a child from a family with very little money really wanted a bicycle. This fairy godparent bought a super nice bike and asked the shopkeeper to write a highly discounted receipt for an amount the family could afford. The family reimbursed the fairy godparent for the receipt price without knowing that its cost was far more. Now that’s genuine kindness!
We become kinder with practice. Aesop, the ancient Greek storyteller, once said, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” If random acts of kindness don’t come easily to you, try this challenge: do one small, kind thing each day for someone. Then pay attention to the impact on you. It does become easier the more you do it. You start to notice and act on more opportunities to be kind in your world. You do start feeling lighter and even kinder.
Kindness begets kindness. Just as a bully of a boss can foster a culture of bullying and fear down the hierarchical line, so can kindness from one help to foster kindness in others. We often take our cues from leaders, coworkers, classmates, colleagues and others we spend many hours during a day. Why not be the kind person from whom others take their cues? The one who helps people turn to one another in small and big ways that illustrate a spirit of generosity.
Like virtue, kindness is its own reward. Studies have shown that when we perform acts of kindness, the brain releases chemicals associated with pleasure. When we are kind, the neurotransmitters that create feelings of joy and accomplishment fire off, and the brain also produces Endorphins – the body’s natural painkiller. Kindness is also proven to relieve stress, improve overall mood, combat symptoms of depression and anxiety disorders, and even increase life expectancy!
Lastly, it is important being kind to yourself too. You feel much better treating others with kindness when you’ve taken care of yourself. In a pressure-filled environment it’s easy to work through lunch, work through dinner, and respond to emails late at night. But the world often rights itself when we take a moment to breathe, assess what we need, and seek it. Be kind to yourself when you may misstep, which happens to everybody once in a while. Setting upon ourselves may cause collateral damage inasmuch as make others the target of the anger or frustration or disappointment that we would really feel about ourselves.
Bhushan Lal Razdan, formerly of the Indian Revenue Service, retired as Director General of Income Tax (Investigation), Chandigarh.